Riding the Star of Neptune

Blogsters and blogettes. Last night was unreal. U probably watched it on TV. Some of you might have even been there. Suze and me went 2 the reopening of Ocean Park Amusement Pier. It was like the story Brigantine where that town keeps coming back every 100 years. Sea Views been dead 4ever but came back 2 life last night.

We were all lined up along the new boardwalk waiting and wondering y nothing was happening. The lights from the news crews were shining back on us but the park up ahead was still pitch black.

A spotlight came from nowhere and lit up Mayor Mayfield in a sky ride car. As the spotlight widened we could c that he was next 2 a woman in a tie-dye dress. It was Reg. They were arm in arm and waving down 2 the crowd.

I never saw Reg in a dress. And boy was she pregnant. About 8 months.

May Mays voice boomed thru a loudspeaker down on2 the eager crowd. It sounded like God. He welcomed everyone watching live across America 2 the town of Sea View and then announced the re-opening of Ocean Park.

“But be4 we open the park,” he said, “theres just one more thing I have 2 do.”

He got down on one knee and asked Reg 2 marry him. She said yes and they kissed 2 thunderous applause.

A sudden zinging sound came from the thick black wires winding around the park. The crowd moved back, but then we all got up on our toes 2 c over each other. The ginormous “Welcome 2 Ocean Park Amusement Pier” sign on the front gate burst into light.

Then, one by one, each of the rides lit up and began 2 move.

The Breath Taker roller coaster.

Destinys Dream merry-go-round.

The Black Widow tilt-o-whirl.

The Praying Mantis rock climbing wall.

The bumper cars, the pirate ship, the train ride, the toboggan, and all the others came on next. Then the lights burst on at all of the concession stands and game booths.

The crowd chanted “May May, May May, May May.”

The spot light swung thru the sky and landed on the dark frame of the Star of Neptune. A trumpet blast came from somewhere. Then the Ferris wheel lit up with color.

Ocean Park was completely alive.

Reg announced that two lucky visitors had been selected 2 b the first 2 ride the all-new Star of Neptune. A man in a black top hat and tuxedo walked up 2 me and Suze and handed us each a monster cotton candy. Then he bowed and stuck his elbows out wide.

We locked arms as tux guy guided us in2 the park like an usher at a wedding. Every1 else waited outside.

Reg smiled at us. Me and Suze lifted our cotton candy in her direction as a thank you. Then the sky ride started and Reg and May May zoomed out in2 the darkness.

Tux guy led us thru the partially open gates and up 2 the Ferris wheel, opened the door 2 the ride, and bowed again. The Ferris wheel gave a little whine and then lifted us off the boardwalk just as the Springsteen song Jersey Girl crackled thru the loudspeakers.

As soon as we were off the ground, the gates below swung open and everyone ran 2 their favorite rides.

Riding the Star of Neptune was unreal. From the top of the ride u could c for miles across all of the Sea View wannabe towns lining the shore.

We sat there at the center of the universe, on the top of the world, and lit up some fresh Jersey-Grown.

Now Im not religious or anything, and maybe it was a little of the Jersey-Grown talking, but I have a feeling that if theres a heaven, it looks a lot like Ocean Park did rite at that moment 2 anyone like me who grew up in Sea View.

It was hard 2 imagine anything better.

That’s all I got 4 now. Later.

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May Mays Secret

Blogsters and blogettes. U r definitely going to call BS when I tell you this. I nearly fell over when I heard it and I was only a couple of puffs in2 my day.

U know that story about our Mayor Mayfield thats been on the news all day? The one about him having an affair with a young woman at that apartment across from the marina? Well thats not just any woman. Thats our friend Reg. Yes, the ex-alias Fiesta Gal.

May May is the married guy Regs been hiding out with. No wonder she didnt tell anyone. Shes been sleeping with Sea View Royalty, and married royalty at that.

May May looks like hes 80 or something. No they said hes 58 on the news. But thats about 4 times as old as Reg whose 22. Hes been married to Samantha 4 almost 40 years. Was married that is. His wife split last week be4 the news broke.

May Mays spokesperson said the marriage is over and Reg is pregnant and the mayor plans 2 marry her. Wo.

The Mayfields oldest grandson was a Freshman when Reg graduated from Sea View High. At least thats what the reporters r saying. So Reg will b about the same age as her grandkids. Yikes.

Me and Suze were totally blown away by the news. We havent been able 2 find Reg since it broke. We think shes with May May hiding from the press somewhere.

We were flipping thru the channels looking 4 the interviews we did 4 the news today. Suze wore a bikini top that highlighted her silicone assets 4 the CNN interview. Were hoping the reality show scouts c that one. But instead of Suze, CNN was showing that Sufjan Stevens video 4 the serial killer song “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.”

“And in my best behavior
I am really just like him.
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid.”
 

Sounds like someones offering Stevens a bundle to remake the song with Satin Strangler lyrics 4 a DestinyIsInnocent fundraiser.

Hmmm. I dont know whats more creepy – a song about a serial killer or marrying a guy with grandkids your age.

In honor of our best friend and her upcoming nuptials and childbirth, Suze and me smoked our dose of medicinal herb and made a list of the creepiest songs ever. We disqualified Ozzy Osbourne, Rob Zombie, and Alice Cooper or else we wouldve been at it all day. Im guessing that “Living Dead Girl” would have been the winner out of those three. We eventually disqualified Metallica and Twisted Sister 4 the same reason, or else “Enter Sandman” and “Captain Howdy” might have had a chance.

We didnt disqualify Pink Floyd only cuz theyre the greatest non-Jersey band ever, but our votes were split between “One of My Turns” and “Brain Damage.” We also couldnt agree on a Warren Zevon song, since I liked “Werewolves of London” but Suze wanted “Excitable Boy,” more 4 its grave digging than 4 its biting and raping and killing.

In the end we decided that a fa-la-la sing-along tune with creepy lyrics would have 2 take the prize. With that in mind, we considered songs like “Jessies Girl” by Rick Springfield, “867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone, “Every Breath U Take” by The Police, and “Sunglasses at Night” by Corey Hart.

Those r all pretty creepy, but the three winners that we dedicate to May May and Reg r:

“Dont Stand so Close to Me” by The Police

“Youre Having my Baby” by Paul Anka

“Youre 16” by Ringo Starr

Hey just kidding Reg. Come home soon. We miss you.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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The Lawyers Book

Blogsters and blogettes. Suze and me just got back from Barnes and Noble bookstore in downtown Sea View. Actually we were walking 2 the head shop 2 score some rolling papers and had 2 go past the bookstore. Otherwise we wouldnt of been anywhere near that many books at one time.

Reg bagged us again. Maybe if she new we were going 2 the bookstore she would have come along. Ouch. Suze just pinched me with a roach clip. She thinks Ive been 2 hard on Reg. She may b right, but IMHO Reg isnt the same person since she started messing around with her married guy.

Anyway. There was a line all the way down the street from the bookstore with people waiting 2 c the Satin Strangler lawyer Horace Krouch. His new book If She Did Him just came out. Its a story about Destiny Blande the Satin Strangler but he changed her name to Daphne. They say the lawyer in If She Did Him is also a lot better looking than Krouch and he makes the beast with two backs with the Destiny Daphne which would probably never happen in real life so its called fiction.

We snagged Suzes older brother Stan who we call Slash after the Guns N Roses lead guitarist. He was up near the front in the bookstore line waiting 2 meet the lawyer.

Suzes brain got its wires crossed, and she started babbling about Guns N Roses killing off the hair bands which is wasted breath anyway since its totally obvious. I just agreed, hoping 2 skip past whatever she had in mind. No such luck. Be4 I could ask Slash if he had rolling papers and y he was on line at a bookstore and if he ever even red a book Suze got that look that Reg used 2 get when she hung with us.

“Best power ballad of all time” she yelled. I waited 2 c if we were allowed to pick the obvious – Jersey gods Skid Row and god of all gods Bon Jovi. Then she said “I Remember You” and “Never Say Goodbye” didnt count. Just as I expected.

Everyone in line started yelling out songs. Its like they were all power ballad experts or something.

"When I Look In2 Your Eyes” by Firehouse

“Is This Love?” by White Snake

“When I C U Smile” by Bad English

“Miles Away” by Winger

“Sometimes She Cries” by Warrant

“Nobodys Fool” by Cinderella

“Love Song” by Tesla

“Home Sweet Home” by the Crue got some play in the voting. Some New York looking pretty boy kept yelling out “Heaven Isnt So Far Away” but he was finally shut up by a butch biker chick rooting 4 “When the Children Cry” by White Lion.

The top choices became obvious. There was almost a brawl over Poisons “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” and GNRs “Patience.” Slash was chanting “GNR GNR GNR” and pointing 2 himself as though he was the real Slash or Axel Rose or something. The biker chick was yelling at the New York pretty boy Warrant fan sticking her finger in his face.

It looked like a riot was brewing. The chubby bookstore security guard came over and threatened 2 arrest us all if we didnt pipe down. He kept his hands close 2 his hips like he had guns that he was prepared 2 use or something.

Anyway. Being told 2 pipe down reminded Suze of the bowl in her pocket so we looked 4 a place 2 have a few puffs. The bookstore scene was still getting intense when me and Suze left. Having our names in the paper 4 getting busted at a Barnes and Noble of all places would have been a major BK.

We walked over 2 the boardwalk. They started construction there 2 rebuild the amusement park. Lots of bulldozers and cranes all over the place. Suze and me jumped up on2 a bulldozer seat, looked out over a pile of cement slabs, and lit up some fresh Jersey-Grown.

After a few puffs we totally forgot where we were going so we headed home. Were still out of rolling papers, in case u have any and r in the neighborhood.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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Little Weenie

Blogsters and blogettes. Has anyone seen the Playgirl photos of Destiny Blande’s old dumped boyfriend? That nerdy guy whats-his-name on Before the Satin? The Playgirl issue just came out yesterday and everybodys going wild over it. Youd think Jon Bon Jovi Rock God was in the photos.

Suze scored the issue from her mom and we checked it out at breakfast yesterday. The photos r nothing 2 write home about. U almost couldnt c anything behind the staple in the middle. If I was a guy and had a weenie that small I wouldnt b posing in a boy toy maggy. Know what I mean?

Suzes brother Richie wanted to c the maggy but hes not gay or anything so he had 2 act like he saw it by mistake while bending over to grab his sweat socks off the coffee table. He said Destinys old boy has a medical disease called microscope fallicks. Hes in med school at the community college so he knows that kind of stuff. We never heard of it. He said the only treatment is 2 do transplants from a donkey d like his. Richie forgets we saw him peeing in the Meadowlands parking lot at the Springsteen concert so no chance of him making it as a donkey donor.

Suze rolled a big fat Jersey-Grown stogie and said “Best teenie weenie songs of all time.” This one was tough, especially without Reg there. Suze and me gathered together a list of the best song titles of all time dedicated 2 the Satin Stranglers boyfriend. Spent all day on it. Heres the ones I remember.

Teenie Weenie (by 24-K)

Give Me an Inch (by Robert Palmer)

Little Willie (by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)

Its a Small World (that Disney ride song)

Tiny Dancer (by Elton John)

Fairweather Johnson (by Hootie & the Blowfish)

My Ding-a-Ling-a-Ling (by Chuck Berry)

Wee Willie Winkie (by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)

Dont U Feel Small (by Moody Blues)

Inch by Inch (by Elvis Costello)

Tiny Town (by David Byrne)

Short People (by Randy Newman)

Never Give an Inch (by .38 Special)

Short As Hell (by Gamma Ray)

Never Smoke Weed with Willie Again (by Toby Keith)

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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The Ditto Trial

Blogsters and blogettes. Yesterday Suze and me were pretty gonzo on Jersey-Grown down by the courthouse. We were hanging outside while the Satin Strangler ditto trial was going on, hoping 2 get a glimpse of Destiny.

We were peeved at Reg cuz she ditched us 2 take her GED test. She never made it in2 that medical study where u get the pot pills for irritating bowel. After her ex-lax diarea wore off she tried out 4 another medical study and made it. Now she gets a hundred bucks a month to take a pill that makes pot smokers brains work better. Shes supposed to keep smoking Jersey-Grown while taking the study pills, but only at certain times so she can write it down in a diary. Thats not so bad cuz me and Suze smoke whenever Reg wants 2, and then some.

The real problem is now Reg thinks shes a total genius or something. She reads the Sea View Gazette and splurges on Canadian beer.

Reg finally admitted that shes been dating some married dude. Those night classes she keeps talking about must b going on in the bedroom, not the classroom. She keeps saying how smart the guy is and that hes going 2 leave his wife and marry her someday. Silly girl. She even says someday shes going 2 quit being in medical experiments for cash and get her job back at Grocery Barn. Me and Suze think shes just BS-ing and wont really get a job. Been there done that with the Fiesta Gal.

When Destiny walked out of the courthouse after the case six shots went off. We hardly even saw her. Everyone went nutso breaking down the police barriers and scrambling 4 cover. Car alarms started going off and every1 was screaming. Destiny got away without being shot.

Gunfire is major BK when youve got bud paranoia. Suze protected our bag of Jersey-Grown brownies by pressing them against her silicone boobies and I curled up on the ground and started balling cuz I thought some1 was shooting at us.

The shooter ran down the stairs until beer bottle hit him square in the face. He stopped in his tracks 4 a second, shaking his head and blinking like he was trying not to pass out.

That was all the crowd needed. All of a sudden beer bottles started flying at him from every direction. He looked like Al Pacino at the end of Scarface with all the machine guns ripping thru him. “Say hello 2 my little friend.” There was broken glass and foam everywhere.

A cop came out of nowhere and jumped on top of the shooter and cuffed him.

Be4 we could c anything else, we were pushed out of the way. We decided it wasnt such a bad idea 2 b leaving anyway. But first I grabbed one of the beer bottles from the ground. Molsen Canadian. Unopened and unbroken. The perfect souvenir for Reg. I shook it up all the way home so it would b ready 4 her.

The shooter turned out 2 b the brother of Grant Leighton, one of the Satin Strangler victims. It was the same guy who went berserk in the courtroom the first time around. The cop was Regs cousin Bobbies friend Jimmy. I guess he finally made it on2 the force.

Suze and me watched the story on the news at the Bait and Bagel after scoring some rolling papers. Jimmy took all the credit. The reporter called him a new breed of police officer with cat-like reflexes. Grrrrrrowl. They said he saved the day. The camera zoomed in close enough 2 c Jimmys eyelid twitching. He said, “A shooter in a crowd is everyones worst nightmare. Im just glad that I was able 2 b in the rite place at the rite time.”

Jimmy the hero. Can u believe it?

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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4th of July

Blogsters and blogettes. Happy 4^th of July.

This is going 2 b a most stellar summer. Suze and me got in2 a medical study 2 test the effects of pot on motion sickness. Not sure y their doing it. 2 help people on cruises feel better, I guess. Stand back when they bring out the midnight buffet on the stoner cruise. Haha.

In the study their taking people who never smoked pot, getting them stoned 2 the bejesus 4 a week, and putting them on roller coasters and spinning them around and stuff. Others ride the coasters without smoking. Thats called the control group. Then theres me and Suze in the out of control group. Were all regulars who get our Jersey-Grown free for a month and then get to ride. All this and $100 a week. Score! I love this country. Happy birthday America.

Things r still pretty crazy around here from the Satin Strangler. The beaches r crowded 4 just about the first time ever. Food carts r driving in from New York and Philly to the old boardwalk. Theres even talk about rebuilding the amusement pier. Cant imagine that ever happening. Funny. Less than a year ago they were tearing it all down.

The Strangler Network shows Sea View all the time. Mostly just the marina video footage and the trial. It seems like they cover everything u could imagine about Destiny Blande, except the girl herself. Nobodys heard anything from Destiny. Just her big mouth dad on the tube every day suing the chubby lawyer dude. Theres even a rumor that Destinys dead but that cant b true cuz her civil war suit that I like 2 call her ditto trial is going 2 start soon.

Reg has been here sipping wine while me and Suze lit up our first Jersey-Grown medical grade herb. She flipped on the radio and “Precious and Few” started playing. No idea what radio station Reg was listening 2 in order 4 that 2 happen, but whatevz.

Suze turned the volume up and said “Sappiest songs ever written” as smoke billowed from her mouth.

Reg voted 4 The Captain and Tennille's version of “Muskrat Love” as her choice for the sappiest song. She was so worked up that I thought she was going to punch me out over it. Something in the wine, I guess. Suze came up with a good one “Dont Cry Out Loud” by Melissa Manchester. I picked “Feelings” by Morris Albert. By the way, dont worry, until a couple of minutes ago I had no idea who sang those songs. We looked them up. The internet is unreal.

Then Reg came up with the hands down winner. “I Cant Live” originally sung by Badfinger, then most notoriously by Harry Nilsson, and then by Mariah Carey who brought it back from the dead where it belonged. And 2 think I kind of liked Mariah.

Here it is. The winner. Now its going 2 b stuck in my head all day. Maybe theres a study 2 get song words out of your head. Now that would b worth something.

Well, I cant forget this evening
Or your face as u were leaving
But I guess thats just the way this story goes,
U always smile
But in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
Cant live
If living is without u
I cant live
I cant give anymore
Cant live
If living is without u
I cant live,
I cant give anymore
Ohhhhhh

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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Stalking a Strangler

Blogsters and blogettes. Heres the rest of what happened the night of the Satin Strangler verdict.

It was a crazy scene outside the courtroom. Half the place was cheering. Half the place was booing. Everyone started pushing 4ward 2 the entrance. The police were lined behind barricades yelling thru megaphones just like in the movies. They looked more scared than us 2 tell u the truth. Cookie the fortune teller was hacking and yelling something about tear gas. But there wasnt any tear gas as far as I could tell. She smokes two packs of Lucky Strikes a day so it was probably the Luckys.

Be4 I new it Destiny Blande and her lawyer dude were busting thru the crowd. I was up on my tippy toes but all I could c was the back of everyones heads. Reminded me of when we snuck out 2 Teterboro Airport that night 2 pay homage to Bon Jovi when they returned from their European tour. Great idea. Poor execution. I did get my cell phone up high enough 2 get a photo of part of my forehead with Destinys hip and lawyer dudes butt in the background. Pretty cool. Id post it in a blog but I am trying to sell it 2 People magazine.

Regs cousin Bobbie has a friend Jimmy who is trying 2 get in2 the Sea View police force. All of a sudden Jimmy comes running up and says hes going 2 follow Destiny in his car. I begged him to take us but he said no way. Then Suze promised 2 flash her boobies if he took us with him and within seconds we were riding in his Firebird.

Reg bailed on us after the courthouse. Suze says the rumor is that Reg is dating some guy. Not sure y she wont talk 2 us about it. Hey whatevz. Guys who keep u from prime party hours r not worth the trouble.

Somehow we ended up not just behind Destinys Accord but also her lawyer dudes B-mer. Major score. I guess that cop training stuff is paying off 4 Jimmy. At first it was slow going but then the pace picked up in our little 3 car parade.

The cars we were following eventually rolled to a stop near a sign that said Mount Rose, NJ. Never heard of it. The place was jammed with people carrying signs and camped out in tents along the roadside. It was like Woodstock or something but without the rain and Hendrix is dead so he wasnt southpaw jamming 2 the National Anthem on his electric guitar. The two cars made U-turns 2 bolt out of there so we followed.

Destiny headed north on the Turnpike followed by the lawyer dude and us. Be4 I new it, we rolled 2 a stop in Little Italy in NYC. Destiny and creepy lawyer dude ducked in2 La Cucina Matera restaurant, so we followed. Now what? Jimmy didnt seem 2 have a plan in mind so we just sat down a few empty tables away from the couple of the century.

I couldnt believe how close we were 2 Destiny Blande. I stared at her the whole time. Is she really innocent? Theres no way. Everybody has 2 know shes guilty. OJ guilty. No room 4 doubt. What was the jury thinking?

What were the two of them doing here together? He definitely had the hots 4 her, but she was all business. They signed a whole stack of papers, then lawyer dude put some back in his briefcase and Destiny put some in her yellow purse.

Was she sizing him up 4 the kill? She killed up to 70 men, then she fooled her lawyer, then the jury. Shell want to kill again. Lawyer dude would b 2 easy for her. 2 chubby 2 wimpy 2 slow. A good old fashioned strangler girl would want more of a challenge. Destiny sat there looking bored silly.

Lawyer dude was totally turned on by Destiny though. He kept licking his lips like a man in the desert standing in front of an ice cream mirage. Beads of sweat grew along his eyebrows, despite how cool it was in the restaurant. Every time he removed his glasses and wiped his forehead, his funky hairdo flopped around. He looked like an overinflated sweaty Gordon Gecko.

Finally lawyer dude made his move and held Destinys hand. She shook her head and folded her arms like she was guarding an armored car. Total shut down mode. Sorry dude.

Without any warning, Suze stumbled over 2 the other table. We had no idea what she was doing but she later told us she was trying 2 have us take her picture with them. But she slipped and fell in2 their table knocking glasses and silverware on the floor and blowing our cover. Suze became twisted up in the table cloth coated in layers of antipasto meats and cheeses. She was lying there on the floor looking like idiot Stromboli.

Destiny and her lawyer dude took off and we never saw them again.

Suze ended up with a piece of what she swears was Destinys garlic bread with a bite taken out of it. She says she wants to get it bronzed or something.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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Jersey Block Party

Blogsters and blogettes. Today it was mobbed outside the courthouse waiting 4 the jury’s decision in the Destiny Blande case. The usual BKs at the Bait and Bagel said a verdict might take days or weeks. But it was like all of New Jersey was there. It didnt matter how long it took anyway. It was all about being a part of history. Plus there was nothing else going on.

The front of the courthouse was already jammed by the time we got there. It was like the good old days be4 Ticket Master and Stub Hub went rogue on the concert industry. If u wanted 2 c Springsteen up close back in the day u hitch hiked 2 wherever tickets were going on sale and camped out. A little extra stash of Jersey-Grown bartering herb was all u needed 2 trade up 4 a better place in line. Hey Im just saying. But we got all the way up 2 the top of the courthouse stairs today.

Reg was hanging with us 4 the first time in weeks. Not sure what shes been up 2. Whatever it is, she needs 2 get her priorities straight. Anyway. She brought a backpack stuffed with Dorito family packs, the key to my heart. So whatevz. I scored the extra cheddar of course. Then Suze handed me a poster board sign on a stick that said “Every Girls Destiny.” We were ready and stoked.

The old Ocean Park legends were there in full force, hoping to make a few bucks. It would have been hard 2 miss Psycho Balloon Man, the Blind Caricaturist, and Cookie the Fortune Teller.

Psycho Balloon Man was mangier than ever. His helium tank was in high gear as he twisted balloons into Satin Strangler souvenirs. It was pretty gnarly stuff – nooses, black stockings, and something that must have been Destiny’s face but looked more like a Louies extra cheese with pepperoni. He was his usual ornery self.

Some freakazoid dressed in a huge baby diaper with satin stockings around his neck accidentally banged in2 Psycho with his “Destinys Child” sign. Using his not-so-catlike reflexes, Psycho shot him in the face with a jet of helium. The guy ran away screaming with his hands over his eyes.

Who would b the Psycho Balloon Mans next victim? The guy selling shirts that said “My parents went to the Satin Strangler trial and all I got was this lousy t-shirt?” No he was spared. Instead Psycho Balloon Man cursed out the parents of a four year old boy who asked 4 a giraffe balloon and told them 2 get their “animal on a leash.” Reg was Psychos only customer as always. She bought a stack of noose balloons to inhale and sing Bee Gees songs.

The Blind Caricaturist found a couple 2 pose 4 her. She turned them in2 alien monsters on the sketch pad 2 the sounds of Reg singing “More Than a Woman” in helium shrill.

A radio started blaring with the live broadcast of the trial. The jury already reached a verdict. So much 4 the week-long block party I guess. The crowd was riled. Most of them started chanting “Let her free” and a few answered “Make her fry.” Like everyone else, we all new she was guilty but we love rooting for underdogs, so we joined in with the “Let her free” group. The noise level rose until the announcement that the jury was back in the courtroom. Then u could hear a pin drop.

Every1 outside the courthouse held their breath. Reg tilted a bag of Doritos up in2 the air 2 pour cheddar dust in2 her mouth.

The lead juror read the verdict 2 the judge. “We the jury, find the defendant, Destiny Blande . . .”

Haha! Made u look. Youll have 2 wait. Hey I know u already know what happened anyway. Who doesnt? By the time u read this the Satin Strangler verdict will b old news.

Theres more 2 tell though. My story doesnt stop here. The next part is going 2 b one of those “change the names 2 protect the innocent” deals but first I need 2 catch some righteous Zs. Im toast.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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The Trial Tweets

Me and Suze and pretty much everybody else are all following the Satin Strangler trial of the century. Theres no way to miss it actually. Its on TV. Its all over the internet. Every1 is blogging about it. And you can even follow it on Twitter. Destinys lawyer dude has been leading the tweet-o-rama. This stuff is like fresh Jersey-Grown laced with crack. A couple of quick hits and then u just cant put it down. Here are a few of his tweets 4 yure reading pleasure. Thats all I got 4 now. Later.


HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Morning of the trial. Eager to win our case. Faithful follower emails have been abundant. Keep writing more. (via @SeaViewStew) 3/15/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
1st day in court. Smiles and best profiles for the media. Strangler Network cameras rolling. Must be intimidating for the prosecutor Danton. (via @SeaViewStew) 3/15/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Prosecution seeking the death penalty for 2 counts of 1st degree homicide. Only 1 body. We submitted our not guilty plea. (via @SeaViewStew) 3/16/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Medical examiners described the Leighton autopsy findings in extensive detail while projecting photographs on a screen for shock/awe. (via @SeaViewStew) 3/23/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
You probably applauded my cross examination of the medical examiners. Shot Swiss cheese holes in their DNA evidence. (via @SeaViewStew) 3/25/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Prosecution expounded on the impact of the victims’ deaths on their families. Jurors sobbing. Nice touch by Danton, but no surprises. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/3/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
The prosecution started bringing in their so-called witnesses. Trying to place Destiny in the vicinity of both NJ murders. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/17/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Prosecution showed murder weapon photos. The infamous eBay stockings. Nothing like laughter in the courtroom. Momentum may swing. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/19/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Everyone has been watching the Strangler Network. I am recognized everywhere. The publicity frenzy far exceeds the Watson case. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/26/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
The media is agitated by my decision to not present character witnesses. I suppose they went to Yale Law??? Wait and see. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/28/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Media experts and my faithful followers want to see Destiny on the stand. Sorry to disappoint. She will speak only as a free woman after the trial. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/30/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Prosecution just presented their summation. Compelling, but several holes. Weak DNA evidence and a missing body. Missing murder weapons. My turn next. (via @SeaViewStew) 5/1/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
I almost forgot how exhilarating a strong summation can be. I just changed the outcome of the trial. I will win against stacked odds. (via @SeaViewStew) 5/2/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
The jury is deliberating. >95% say guilty in Gallup surveys. A win would be my greatest triumph. (via @SeaViewStew) 5/3/09

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This is post #34 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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Satin Strangler Personal Items for Sale

So me and Suze were surfing the net looking 4 some of our favorite smoking supplies, and we came across these ads 4 Satin Strangler garb. My eyeballs almost shot out of my skull and Suze nearly coughed up a lung when we saw them. Can u believe what people r selling on the bay of E these days? Check it out. Thats all I got 4 now. Later.


Black Stockings Worn by Satin Strangler Destiny Blande

Item Condition: Used
Time left: 2d 04h (3/8/09, 4PM PDT)
Quantity: 1 pair
Price: UA $46,750
Buy It Now
Watch this Item
Shipping: $5.99 Standard Flat Rate Shipping Service
Returns: No returns
Description: Black satin stockings confiscated during the arrest of Destiny Blande, suspected Satin Strangler, in the Oceanview Motel in Sea View, NJ. Could these be a murder weapon? You decide.


Black Stockings Worn by Satin Strangler Destiny Blande

Item Condition: Used
Time left: 5d 03h (3/11/09, 3PM PDT)
Quantity: 1 pair
Price: UA $46,750
Buy It Now
Watch this Item
Shipping: $5.99 Standard Flat Rate Shipping Service
Returns: No returns
Description: Black satin stockings found in the car owned by Destiny Blande on the night of her arrest. A rare find. They’ll take your breath away.


Red Stockings Worn by Satin Strangler Destiny Blande

Item Condition: Used
Time left: 6d 06h (3/12/09, 6PM PDT)
Quantity: 1 pair
Price: UA $46,750
Buy It Now
Watch this Item
Shipping: $5.99 Standard Flat Rate Shipping Service
Returns: No returns
Description: One-of-a-kind red satin stockings worn by the Satin Strangler herself, Destiny Blande. Thigh-high red stockings come complete with red satin and white lace garter belt. For the man who wants a souvenir of the media’s favorite girl, or for the woman on the go. Either way, you can make a killing at this price.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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This is post #32 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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Police Station

Blogsters and blogettes. Hopefully u saw Suze on the 5 oclock news. If not your loss.

Everybody in Sea Views talking about the Satin Strangler. That Destiny Blande girl is still locked up in the police station. The scene there is unreal. Half of Jersey is hanging out trying 2 c the strangler or get on TV.

My cousins cousin on the other side used 2 date this guy Russ who was working in the Oceanview Motel the night Destiny was arrested. He was drinking alone with nobody else. Hey it was a Tuesday. One of the seven best party nights in Sea View. Anyway. Destiny checked in2 the motel. Her green cat eyes reminded him of Miss Hayward his old fourth grade teacher. Doomee eyes that lure u in. Kind of like Reg on X. Just kidding about Reg. Miss Hayward was the one who used 2 wear short skirts and no panties. The boys loved her but she was run out of town by the PTA after bending over 2 pick up an eraser.

Anyway. Russ new rite when he saw Destiny that she was the girl from the marina video. He said she looked like she wanted 2 lay him down and strangle him right there in the lobby of the Oceanview Motel. The boy is tough though. He was in the navy for 2 months and he got a green belt in karate from Tiger Schulmann in AC so there was no way he was backing down from some strangler girl.

Russ called the cops. They stormed the place like a SWAT team, broke down the door where she was staying, and then dragged her out of the room. She was kicking and screaming and wearing nothing but lacy black underwear. Thats not the way it looked on the news but Russ the perv swears thats what he saw. He said she was trying 2 strangle the police rite there in the street.

Russ thinks hell get some kind of award. Who nose if thats true but it makes sense I guess. Thanks 2 him they caught that serial killer. It makes u wonder who wouldve been next and how many more men wouldve been strangled if he didnt call the cops.

Dying 4 a Scooby Snack, so I gotta go.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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This is post #18 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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Pineapple Express Review

Blogsters and blogettes. It rained all morning in Sea View. 2 wet 4 bottle rocket tag on the beach. Perfect for putting on your wetsuit and snorkeling gear and playing puddle chicken on the Ocean Boulevard median strip. Just a few puffs of fresh Jersey-Grown and we were set 4 the day.

Reg was running to the portajohn all day. Shes been trying to get into some medical study where they give u pot pills 2 treat irritating diarea syndrome. U have 2 have irritating diarea to get in though so shes been chewing ex-lax 4 a week. Im not sure its worth it 4 her but me and Suze r hoping she gets in cuz then she can score us some extra pot pills. We figure she owes us something 4 putting up with her irritating diarea, right?

At midnight me and Suze went 2 Starfish Cinemas 2 c Pineapple Express again. Reg showed up late after taking an on-line test 4 her music appreciation class.

U should definitely check out the new Pineapple Express flick if u havent already or even if u have. Ive seen it 17 times and its better each time. Tonight was in 3D. Actually is wasnt 3D but we were way gonzo and decided 2 bring our 3D glasses from home 2 experience this new epic in its fullest dimension. I highly recommend it. Lets just say that if u enjoy a puff of Jersey-Grown every now and then be4 a flick this is one 4 u.

Anyway. After the movie we walked along the abandoned boardwalk 4 a few more uninterrupted puffs of fresh Jersey-Grown. On the way back there was a big crowd hanging out in front of the police station so we checked it out. Cameras were all over the place. Sea View was majorly on the news.

Channel 2 was about to start filming live. That Priscilla Whats-Her-Face kept pushing her hair out of her eyes and then finally turned 2 let the ocean breeze blow her goldilocks back like in those Sports Illustrated swimsuit videos. U could even hear the wind whistling between her ears. Haha. Her camera bud started counting with his fingers and then she started her report. She said they arrested that Satin Strangler girl rite here in Sea View. Thats the one who has sex AND strangles on the first date. Unreal.

Having a serial murderer in our town would have been total BK (that’s short for buzz kill if your reading this straight), but I kept watching Suze behind the reporter. She was wearing the 3D glasses high on her head like a movie star gone wrong for the TV camera. Her face was beet red from laughing and coughing. She looked like a ginormous lady bug.

Wo I need 2 crash big time. Anyway. Hopefully youll c Suze on the news.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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This is post #16 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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Missing Person

Blogsters and blogettes. Finally got some news 2 report from little old Sea View NJ. Some guy named Edgar Stahl is missing. My friend Reg (alias Regina Fiesta Gal) says Stahl is the demo guy hired 2 tear down the Star of Neptune Ferris wheel on Ocean Park pier. Lots of people r bummed about the Star, plus the papers are saying Stahl was in the hole for few million bucks, so the suspect list started out pretty long.

The police r looking for a woman seen in a security video from the marina where the demo guy docks his boat. Word on the street is that the video gal is the serial killer called the Satin Strangler. The gang down at the Bait and Bagel said the Satin Strangler is on a killing spree, sexing guys up, then strangling them with her stockings. They were pretty in2 it. Mainly the sexing up part.

Reg was gabbing about the Stahl guy while scoring me and Suze a puff of fresh Jersey-Grown. Suze is part 3 of our party sisterhood. Every1 thinks were twins which cant even b true cuz shes 22 and Im 26 plus shes not even Italian.

It was good 2 have Reg around. She ditched us the last few nights. Shes taking some online course on the history of rock music at North American University. Once she scores enough credits she wants to get into a 4 year school with sororities. She wants 2 get a degree in music appreciation. The appreciation part comes from her dad, who played in the Vapor Noodles with my dad back in the day. None of that talent rubbed off on us, but we love partying to good tunes thanks 2 them.

About the Stahl guy. Some New York reporters have been hanging out at Ocean Park pier where he was last seen. They had Regs mom on the news asking her questions. When she got home she ran up 2 Regs room 2 tell us. Fastest she ever moved. She was huffing and puffing. I thought 4 sure shed blow her cookies rite on the shag carpet.

Were going 2 c if the reporters r hanging there again today. Suze just got her boobies done so she looks more like my twin again. Haha. Anyway. Shes trying to get herself on TV 2 start her acting career. Not sure if I want 2 b there in case she decides 2 flash those bad girls for the cameras.

Suze just punched me in the arm for that comment by the way. She better b careful cuz the doctors told her not 2 swing her arms around 4 a couple of weeks or else her new boobies might slide up into her pits. Looks like there halfway up their already. Time 2 hit the “Save” button on this blog be4 she starts punching me again.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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This is post #5 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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