Monday, March 1, 2010

May Mays Secret

Blogsters and blogettes. U r definitely going to call BS when I tell you this. I nearly fell over when I heard it and I was only a couple of puffs in2 my day.

U know that story about our Mayor Mayfield thats been on the news all day? The one about him having an affair with a young woman at that apartment across from the marina? Well thats not just any woman. Thats our friend Reg. Yes, the ex-alias Fiesta Gal.

May May is the married guy Regs been hiding out with. No wonder she didnt tell anyone. Shes been sleeping with Sea View Royalty, and married royalty at that.

May May looks like hes 80 or something. No they said hes 58 on the news. But thats about 4 times as old as Reg whose 22. Hes been married to Samantha 4 almost 40 years. Was married that is. His wife split last week be4 the news broke.

May Mays spokesperson said the marriage is over and Reg is pregnant and the mayor plans 2 marry her. Wo.

The Mayfields oldest grandson was a Freshman when Reg graduated from Sea View High. At least thats what the reporters r saying. So Reg will b about the same age as her grandkids. Yikes.

Me and Suze were totally blown away by the news. We havent been able 2 find Reg since it broke. We think shes with May May hiding from the press somewhere.

We were flipping thru the channels looking 4 the interviews we did 4 the news today. Suze wore a bikini top that highlighted her silicone assets 4 the CNN interview. Were hoping the reality show scouts c that one. But instead of Suze, CNN was showing that Sufjan Stevens video 4 the serial killer song “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.”

“And in my best behavior
I am really just like him.
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid.”
Sounds like someones offering Stevens a bundle to remake the song with Satin Strangler lyrics 4 a DestinyIsInnocent fundraiser.

Hmmm. I dont know whats more creepy – a song about a serial killer or marrying a guy with grandkids your age.

In honor of our best friend and her upcoming nuptials and childbirth, Suze and me smoked our dose of medicinal herb and made a list of the creepiest songs ever. We disqualified Ozzy Osbourne, Rob Zombie, and Alice Cooper or else we wouldve been at it all day. Im guessing that “Living Dead Girl” would have been the winner out of those three. We eventually disqualified Metallica and Twisted Sister 4 the same reason, or else “Enter Sandman” and “Captain Howdy” might have had a chance.

We didnt disqualify Pink Floyd only cuz theyre the greatest non-Jersey band ever, but our votes were split between “One of My Turns” and “Brain Damage.” We also couldnt agree on a Warren Zevon song, since I liked “Werewolves of London” but Suze wanted “Excitable Boy,” more 4 its grave digging than 4 its biting and raping and killing.

In the end we decided that a fa-la-la sing-along tune with creepy lyrics would have 2 take the prize. With that in mind, we considered songs like “Jessies Girl” by Rick Springfield, “867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone, “Every Breath U Take” by The Police, and “Sunglasses at Night” by Corey Hart.

Those r all pretty creepy, but the three winners that we dedicate to May May and Reg r:

“Youre 16” by Ringo Starr

Hey just kidding Reg. Come home soon. We miss you.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.


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