Little Weenie

Blogsters and blogettes. Has anyone seen the Playgirl photos of Destiny Blande’s old dumped boyfriend? That nerdy guy whats-his-name on Before the Satin? The Playgirl issue just came out yesterday and everybodys going wild over it. Youd think Jon Bon Jovi Rock God was in the photos.

Suze scored the issue from her mom and we checked it out at breakfast yesterday. The photos r nothing 2 write home about. U almost couldnt c anything behind the staple in the middle. If I was a guy and had a weenie that small I wouldnt b posing in a boy toy maggy. Know what I mean?

Suzes brother Richie wanted to c the maggy but hes not gay or anything so he had 2 act like he saw it by mistake while bending over to grab his sweat socks off the coffee table. He said Destinys old boy has a medical disease called microscope fallicks. Hes in med school at the community college so he knows that kind of stuff. We never heard of it. He said the only treatment is 2 do transplants from a donkey d like his. Richie forgets we saw him peeing in the Meadowlands parking lot at the Springsteen concert so no chance of him making it as a donkey donor.

Suze rolled a big fat Jersey-Grown stogie and said “Best teenie weenie songs of all time.” This one was tough, especially without Reg there. Suze and me gathered together a list of the best song titles of all time dedicated 2 the Satin Stranglers boyfriend. Spent all day on it. Heres the ones I remember.

Teenie Weenie (by 24-K)

Give Me an Inch (by Robert Palmer)

Little Willie (by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)

Its a Small World (that Disney ride song)

Tiny Dancer (by Elton John)

Fairweather Johnson (by Hootie & the Blowfish)

My Ding-a-Ling-a-Ling (by Chuck Berry)

Wee Willie Winkie (by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)

Dont U Feel Small (by Moody Blues)

Inch by Inch (by Elvis Costello)

Tiny Town (by David Byrne)

Short People (by Randy Newman)

Never Give an Inch (by .38 Special)

Short As Hell (by Gamma Ray)

Never Smoke Weed with Willie Again (by Toby Keith)

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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The Ditto Trial

Blogsters and blogettes. Yesterday Suze and me were pretty gonzo on Jersey-Grown down by the courthouse. We were hanging outside while the Satin Strangler ditto trial was going on, hoping 2 get a glimpse of Destiny.

We were peeved at Reg cuz she ditched us 2 take her GED test. She never made it in2 that medical study where u get the pot pills for irritating bowel. After her ex-lax diarea wore off she tried out 4 another medical study and made it. Now she gets a hundred bucks a month to take a pill that makes pot smokers brains work better. Shes supposed to keep smoking Jersey-Grown while taking the study pills, but only at certain times so she can write it down in a diary. Thats not so bad cuz me and Suze smoke whenever Reg wants 2, and then some.

The real problem is now Reg thinks shes a total genius or something. She reads the Sea View Gazette and splurges on Canadian beer.

Reg finally admitted that shes been dating some married dude. Those night classes she keeps talking about must b going on in the bedroom, not the classroom. She keeps saying how smart the guy is and that hes going 2 leave his wife and marry her someday. Silly girl. She even says someday shes going 2 quit being in medical experiments for cash and get her job back at Grocery Barn. Me and Suze think shes just BS-ing and wont really get a job. Been there done that with the Fiesta Gal.

When Destiny walked out of the courthouse after the case six shots went off. We hardly even saw her. Everyone went nutso breaking down the police barriers and scrambling 4 cover. Car alarms started going off and every1 was screaming. Destiny got away without being shot.

Gunfire is major BK when youve got bud paranoia. Suze protected our bag of Jersey-Grown brownies by pressing them against her silicone boobies and I curled up on the ground and started balling cuz I thought some1 was shooting at us.

The shooter ran down the stairs until beer bottle hit him square in the face. He stopped in his tracks 4 a second, shaking his head and blinking like he was trying not to pass out.

That was all the crowd needed. All of a sudden beer bottles started flying at him from every direction. He looked like Al Pacino at the end of Scarface with all the machine guns ripping thru him. “Say hello 2 my little friend.” There was broken glass and foam everywhere.

A cop came out of nowhere and jumped on top of the shooter and cuffed him.

Be4 we could c anything else, we were pushed out of the way. We decided it wasnt such a bad idea 2 b leaving anyway. But first I grabbed one of the beer bottles from the ground. Molsen Canadian. Unopened and unbroken. The perfect souvenir for Reg. I shook it up all the way home so it would b ready 4 her.

The shooter turned out 2 b the brother of Grant Leighton, one of the Satin Strangler victims. It was the same guy who went berserk in the courtroom the first time around. The cop was Regs cousin Bobbies friend Jimmy. I guess he finally made it on2 the force.

Suze and me watched the story on the news at the Bait and Bagel after scoring some rolling papers. Jimmy took all the credit. The reporter called him a new breed of police officer with cat-like reflexes. Grrrrrrowl. They said he saved the day. The camera zoomed in close enough 2 c Jimmys eyelid twitching. He said, “A shooter in a crowd is everyones worst nightmare. Im just glad that I was able 2 b in the rite place at the rite time.”

Jimmy the hero. Can u believe it?

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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This is post #58 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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