Little Weenie

Blogsters and blogettes. Has anyone seen the Playgirl photos of Destiny Blande’s old dumped boyfriend? That nerdy guy whats-his-name on Before the Satin? The Playgirl issue just came out yesterday and everybodys going wild over it. Youd think Jon Bon Jovi Rock God was in the photos.

Suze scored the issue from her mom and we checked it out at breakfast yesterday. The photos r nothing 2 write home about. U almost couldnt c anything behind the staple in the middle. If I was a guy and had a weenie that small I wouldnt b posing in a boy toy maggy. Know what I mean?

Suzes brother Richie wanted to c the maggy but hes not gay or anything so he had 2 act like he saw it by mistake while bending over to grab his sweat socks off the coffee table. He said Destinys old boy has a medical disease called microscope fallicks. Hes in med school at the community college so he knows that kind of stuff. We never heard of it. He said the only treatment is 2 do transplants from a donkey d like his. Richie forgets we saw him peeing in the Meadowlands parking lot at the Springsteen concert so no chance of him making it as a donkey donor.

Suze rolled a big fat Jersey-Grown stogie and said “Best teenie weenie songs of all time.” This one was tough, especially without Reg there. Suze and me gathered together a list of the best song titles of all time dedicated 2 the Satin Stranglers boyfriend. Spent all day on it. Heres the ones I remember.

Teenie Weenie (by 24-K)

Give Me an Inch (by Robert Palmer)

Little Willie (by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)

Its a Small World (that Disney ride song)

Tiny Dancer (by Elton John)

Fairweather Johnson (by Hootie & the Blowfish)

My Ding-a-Ling-a-Ling (by Chuck Berry)

Wee Willie Winkie (by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)

Dont U Feel Small (by Moody Blues)

Inch by Inch (by Elvis Costello)

Tiny Town (by David Byrne)

Short People (by Randy Newman)

Never Give an Inch (by .38 Special)

Short As Hell (by Gamma Ray)

Never Smoke Weed with Willie Again (by Toby Keith)

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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The Ditto Trial

Blogsters and blogettes. Yesterday Suze and me were pretty gonzo on Jersey-Grown down by the courthouse. We were hanging outside while the Satin Strangler ditto trial was going on, hoping 2 get a glimpse of Destiny.

We were peeved at Reg cuz she ditched us 2 take her GED test. She never made it in2 that medical study where u get the pot pills for irritating bowel. After her ex-lax diarea wore off she tried out 4 another medical study and made it. Now she gets a hundred bucks a month to take a pill that makes pot smokers brains work better. Shes supposed to keep smoking Jersey-Grown while taking the study pills, but only at certain times so she can write it down in a diary. Thats not so bad cuz me and Suze smoke whenever Reg wants 2, and then some.

The real problem is now Reg thinks shes a total genius or something. She reads the Sea View Gazette and splurges on Canadian beer.

Reg finally admitted that shes been dating some married dude. Those night classes she keeps talking about must b going on in the bedroom, not the classroom. She keeps saying how smart the guy is and that hes going 2 leave his wife and marry her someday. Silly girl. She even says someday shes going 2 quit being in medical experiments for cash and get her job back at Grocery Barn. Me and Suze think shes just BS-ing and wont really get a job. Been there done that with the Fiesta Gal.

When Destiny walked out of the courthouse after the case six shots went off. We hardly even saw her. Everyone went nutso breaking down the police barriers and scrambling 4 cover. Car alarms started going off and every1 was screaming. Destiny got away without being shot.

Gunfire is major BK when youve got bud paranoia. Suze protected our bag of Jersey-Grown brownies by pressing them against her silicone boobies and I curled up on the ground and started balling cuz I thought some1 was shooting at us.

The shooter ran down the stairs until beer bottle hit him square in the face. He stopped in his tracks 4 a second, shaking his head and blinking like he was trying not to pass out.

That was all the crowd needed. All of a sudden beer bottles started flying at him from every direction. He looked like Al Pacino at the end of Scarface with all the machine guns ripping thru him. “Say hello 2 my little friend.” There was broken glass and foam everywhere.

A cop came out of nowhere and jumped on top of the shooter and cuffed him.

Be4 we could c anything else, we were pushed out of the way. We decided it wasnt such a bad idea 2 b leaving anyway. But first I grabbed one of the beer bottles from the ground. Molsen Canadian. Unopened and unbroken. The perfect souvenir for Reg. I shook it up all the way home so it would b ready 4 her.

The shooter turned out 2 b the brother of Grant Leighton, one of the Satin Strangler victims. It was the same guy who went berserk in the courtroom the first time around. The cop was Regs cousin Bobbies friend Jimmy. I guess he finally made it on2 the force.

Suze and me watched the story on the news at the Bait and Bagel after scoring some rolling papers. Jimmy took all the credit. The reporter called him a new breed of police officer with cat-like reflexes. Grrrrrrowl. They said he saved the day. The camera zoomed in close enough 2 c Jimmys eyelid twitching. He said, “A shooter in a crowd is everyones worst nightmare. Im just glad that I was able 2 b in the rite place at the rite time.”

Jimmy the hero. Can u believe it?

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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This is post #58 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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Happy Birthday to the Boss

Today is a NJ state holiday - Bruce Springsteens birthday. Happy 60th birthday Boss!!!

4th of July

Blogsters and blogettes. Happy 4^th of July.

This is going 2 b a most stellar summer. Suze and me got in2 a medical study 2 test the effects of pot on motion sickness. Not sure y their doing it. 2 help people on cruises feel better, I guess. Stand back when they bring out the midnight buffet on the stoner cruise. Haha.

In the study their taking people who never smoked pot, getting them stoned 2 the bejesus 4 a week, and putting them on roller coasters and spinning them around and stuff. Others ride the coasters without smoking. Thats called the control group. Then theres me and Suze in the out of control group. Were all regulars who get our Jersey-Grown free for a month and then get to ride. All this and $100 a week. Score! I love this country. Happy birthday America.

Things r still pretty crazy around here from the Satin Strangler. The beaches r crowded 4 just about the first time ever. Food carts r driving in from New York and Philly to the old boardwalk. Theres even talk about rebuilding the amusement pier. Cant imagine that ever happening. Funny. Less than a year ago they were tearing it all down.

The Strangler Network shows Sea View all the time. Mostly just the marina video footage and the trial. It seems like they cover everything u could imagine about Destiny Blande, except the girl herself. Nobodys heard anything from Destiny. Just her big mouth dad on the tube every day suing the chubby lawyer dude. Theres even a rumor that Destinys dead but that cant b true cuz her civil war suit that I like 2 call her ditto trial is going 2 start soon.

Reg has been here sipping wine while me and Suze lit up our first Jersey-Grown medical grade herb. She flipped on the radio and “Precious and Few” started playing. No idea what radio station Reg was listening 2 in order 4 that 2 happen, but whatevz.

Suze turned the volume up and said “Sappiest songs ever written” as smoke billowed from her mouth.

Reg voted 4 The Captain and Tennille's version of “Muskrat Love” as her choice for the sappiest song. She was so worked up that I thought she was going to punch me out over it. Something in the wine, I guess. Suze came up with a good one “Dont Cry Out Loud” by Melissa Manchester. I picked “Feelings” by Morris Albert. By the way, dont worry, until a couple of minutes ago I had no idea who sang those songs. We looked them up. The internet is unreal.

Then Reg came up with the hands down winner. “I Cant Live” originally sung by Badfinger, then most notoriously by Harry Nilsson, and then by Mariah Carey who brought it back from the dead where it belonged. And 2 think I kind of liked Mariah.

Here it is. The winner. Now its going 2 b stuck in my head all day. Maybe theres a study 2 get song words out of your head. Now that would b worth something.

Well, I cant forget this evening
Or your face as u were leaving
But I guess thats just the way this story goes,
U always smile
But in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
Cant live
If living is without u
I cant live
I cant give anymore
Cant live
If living is without u
I cant live,
I cant give anymore
Ohhhhhh

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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This is post #49 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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Betting with Fresh Jersey-Grown

Looks like this dude was betting against the odds, but just think of how much he wouldve 1. Rough day when u get your dealers mixed up.

Stalking a Strangler

Blogsters and blogettes. Heres the rest of what happened the night of the Satin Strangler verdict.

It was a crazy scene outside the courtroom. Half the place was cheering. Half the place was booing. Everyone started pushing 4ward 2 the entrance. The police were lined behind barricades yelling thru megaphones just like in the movies. They looked more scared than us 2 tell u the truth. Cookie the fortune teller was hacking and yelling something about tear gas. But there wasnt any tear gas as far as I could tell. She smokes two packs of Lucky Strikes a day so it was probably the Luckys.

Be4 I new it Destiny Blande and her lawyer dude were busting thru the crowd. I was up on my tippy toes but all I could c was the back of everyones heads. Reminded me of when we snuck out 2 Teterboro Airport that night 2 pay homage to Bon Jovi when they returned from their European tour. Great idea. Poor execution. I did get my cell phone up high enough 2 get a photo of part of my forehead with Destinys hip and lawyer dudes butt in the background. Pretty cool. Id post it in a blog but I am trying to sell it 2 People magazine.

Regs cousin Bobbie has a friend Jimmy who is trying 2 get in2 the Sea View police force. All of a sudden Jimmy comes running up and says hes going 2 follow Destiny in his car. I begged him to take us but he said no way. Then Suze promised 2 flash her boobies if he took us with him and within seconds we were riding in his Firebird.

Reg bailed on us after the courthouse. Suze says the rumor is that Reg is dating some guy. Not sure y she wont talk 2 us about it. Hey whatevz. Guys who keep u from prime party hours r not worth the trouble.

Somehow we ended up not just behind Destinys Accord but also her lawyer dudes B-mer. Major score. I guess that cop training stuff is paying off 4 Jimmy. At first it was slow going but then the pace picked up in our little 3 car parade.

The cars we were following eventually rolled to a stop near a sign that said Mount Rose, NJ. Never heard of it. The place was jammed with people carrying signs and camped out in tents along the roadside. It was like Woodstock or something but without the rain and Hendrix is dead so he wasnt southpaw jamming 2 the National Anthem on his electric guitar. The two cars made U-turns 2 bolt out of there so we followed.

Destiny headed north on the Turnpike followed by the lawyer dude and us. Be4 I new it, we rolled 2 a stop in Little Italy in NYC. Destiny and creepy lawyer dude ducked in2 La Cucina Matera restaurant, so we followed. Now what? Jimmy didnt seem 2 have a plan in mind so we just sat down a few empty tables away from the couple of the century.

I couldnt believe how close we were 2 Destiny Blande. I stared at her the whole time. Is she really innocent? Theres no way. Everybody has 2 know shes guilty. OJ guilty. No room 4 doubt. What was the jury thinking?

What were the two of them doing here together? He definitely had the hots 4 her, but she was all business. They signed a whole stack of papers, then lawyer dude put some back in his briefcase and Destiny put some in her yellow purse.

Was she sizing him up 4 the kill? She killed up to 70 men, then she fooled her lawyer, then the jury. Shell want to kill again. Lawyer dude would b 2 easy for her. 2 chubby 2 wimpy 2 slow. A good old fashioned strangler girl would want more of a challenge. Destiny sat there looking bored silly.

Lawyer dude was totally turned on by Destiny though. He kept licking his lips like a man in the desert standing in front of an ice cream mirage. Beads of sweat grew along his eyebrows, despite how cool it was in the restaurant. Every time he removed his glasses and wiped his forehead, his funky hairdo flopped around. He looked like an overinflated sweaty Gordon Gecko.

Finally lawyer dude made his move and held Destinys hand. She shook her head and folded her arms like she was guarding an armored car. Total shut down mode. Sorry dude.

Without any warning, Suze stumbled over 2 the other table. We had no idea what she was doing but she later told us she was trying 2 have us take her picture with them. But she slipped and fell in2 their table knocking glasses and silverware on the floor and blowing our cover. Suze became twisted up in the table cloth coated in layers of antipasto meats and cheeses. She was lying there on the floor looking like idiot Stromboli.

Destiny and her lawyer dude took off and we never saw them again.

Suze ended up with a piece of what she swears was Destinys garlic bread with a bite taken out of it. She says she wants to get it bronzed or something.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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This is post #43 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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Jersey Block Party

Blogsters and blogettes. Today it was mobbed outside the courthouse waiting 4 the jury’s decision in the Destiny Blande case. The usual BKs at the Bait and Bagel said a verdict might take days or weeks. But it was like all of New Jersey was there. It didnt matter how long it took anyway. It was all about being a part of history. Plus there was nothing else going on.

The front of the courthouse was already jammed by the time we got there. It was like the good old days be4 Ticket Master and Stub Hub went rogue on the concert industry. If u wanted 2 c Springsteen up close back in the day u hitch hiked 2 wherever tickets were going on sale and camped out. A little extra stash of Jersey-Grown bartering herb was all u needed 2 trade up 4 a better place in line. Hey Im just saying. But we got all the way up 2 the top of the courthouse stairs today.

Reg was hanging with us 4 the first time in weeks. Not sure what shes been up 2. Whatever it is, she needs 2 get her priorities straight. Anyway. She brought a backpack stuffed with Dorito family packs, the key to my heart. So whatevz. I scored the extra cheddar of course. Then Suze handed me a poster board sign on a stick that said “Every Girls Destiny.” We were ready and stoked.

The old Ocean Park legends were there in full force, hoping to make a few bucks. It would have been hard 2 miss Psycho Balloon Man, the Blind Caricaturist, and Cookie the Fortune Teller.

Psycho Balloon Man was mangier than ever. His helium tank was in high gear as he twisted balloons into Satin Strangler souvenirs. It was pretty gnarly stuff – nooses, black stockings, and something that must have been Destiny’s face but looked more like a Louies extra cheese with pepperoni. He was his usual ornery self.

Some freakazoid dressed in a huge baby diaper with satin stockings around his neck accidentally banged in2 Psycho with his “Destinys Child” sign. Using his not-so-catlike reflexes, Psycho shot him in the face with a jet of helium. The guy ran away screaming with his hands over his eyes.

Who would b the Psycho Balloon Mans next victim? The guy selling shirts that said “My parents went to the Satin Strangler trial and all I got was this lousy t-shirt?” No he was spared. Instead Psycho Balloon Man cursed out the parents of a four year old boy who asked 4 a giraffe balloon and told them 2 get their “animal on a leash.” Reg was Psychos only customer as always. She bought a stack of noose balloons to inhale and sing Bee Gees songs.

The Blind Caricaturist found a couple 2 pose 4 her. She turned them in2 alien monsters on the sketch pad 2 the sounds of Reg singing “More Than a Woman” in helium shrill.

A radio started blaring with the live broadcast of the trial. The jury already reached a verdict. So much 4 the week-long block party I guess. The crowd was riled. Most of them started chanting “Let her free” and a few answered “Make her fry.” Like everyone else, we all new she was guilty but we love rooting for underdogs, so we joined in with the “Let her free” group. The noise level rose until the announcement that the jury was back in the courtroom. Then u could hear a pin drop.

Every1 outside the courthouse held their breath. Reg tilted a bag of Doritos up in2 the air 2 pour cheddar dust in2 her mouth.

The lead juror read the verdict 2 the judge. “We the jury, find the defendant, Destiny Blande . . .”

Haha! Made u look. Youll have 2 wait. Hey I know u already know what happened anyway. Who doesnt? By the time u read this the Satin Strangler verdict will b old news.

Theres more 2 tell though. My story doesnt stop here. The next part is going 2 b one of those “change the names 2 protect the innocent” deals but first I need 2 catch some righteous Zs. Im toast.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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This is post #36 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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