Happy Birthday to the Boss

Today is a NJ state holiday - Bruce Springsteens birthday. Happy 60th birthday Boss!!!

4th of July

Blogsters and blogettes. Happy 4^th of July.

This is going 2 b a most stellar summer. Suze and me got in2 a medical study 2 test the effects of pot on motion sickness. Not sure y their doing it. 2 help people on cruises feel better, I guess. Stand back when they bring out the midnight buffet on the stoner cruise. Haha.

In the study their taking people who never smoked pot, getting them stoned 2 the bejesus 4 a week, and putting them on roller coasters and spinning them around and stuff. Others ride the coasters without smoking. Thats called the control group. Then theres me and Suze in the out of control group. Were all regulars who get our Jersey-Grown free for a month and then get to ride. All this and $100 a week. Score! I love this country. Happy birthday America.

Things r still pretty crazy around here from the Satin Strangler. The beaches r crowded 4 just about the first time ever. Food carts r driving in from New York and Philly to the old boardwalk. Theres even talk about rebuilding the amusement pier. Cant imagine that ever happening. Funny. Less than a year ago they were tearing it all down.

The Strangler Network shows Sea View all the time. Mostly just the marina video footage and the trial. It seems like they cover everything u could imagine about Destiny Blande, except the girl herself. Nobodys heard anything from Destiny. Just her big mouth dad on the tube every day suing the chubby lawyer dude. Theres even a rumor that Destinys dead but that cant b true cuz her civil war suit that I like 2 call her ditto trial is going 2 start soon.

Reg has been here sipping wine while me and Suze lit up our first Jersey-Grown medical grade herb. She flipped on the radio and “Precious and Few” started playing. No idea what radio station Reg was listening 2 in order 4 that 2 happen, but whatevz.

Suze turned the volume up and said “Sappiest songs ever written” as smoke billowed from her mouth.

Reg voted 4 The Captain and Tennille's version of “Muskrat Love” as her choice for the sappiest song. She was so worked up that I thought she was going to punch me out over it. Something in the wine, I guess. Suze came up with a good one “Dont Cry Out Loud” by Melissa Manchester. I picked “Feelings” by Morris Albert. By the way, dont worry, until a couple of minutes ago I had no idea who sang those songs. We looked them up. The internet is unreal.

Then Reg came up with the hands down winner. “I Cant Live” originally sung by Badfinger, then most notoriously by Harry Nilsson, and then by Mariah Carey who brought it back from the dead where it belonged. And 2 think I kind of liked Mariah.

Here it is. The winner. Now its going 2 b stuck in my head all day. Maybe theres a study 2 get song words out of your head. Now that would b worth something.

Well, I cant forget this evening
Or your face as u were leaving
But I guess thats just the way this story goes,
U always smile
But in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
Cant live
If living is without u
I cant live
I cant give anymore
Cant live
If living is without u
I cant live,
I cant give anymore
Ohhhhhh

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

-----

This is post #49 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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Betting with Fresh Jersey-Grown

Looks like this dude was betting against the odds, but just think of how much he wouldve 1. Rough day when u get your dealers mixed up.

Stalking a Strangler

Blogsters and blogettes. Heres the rest of what happened the night of the Satin Strangler verdict.

It was a crazy scene outside the courtroom. Half the place was cheering. Half the place was booing. Everyone started pushing 4ward 2 the entrance. The police were lined behind barricades yelling thru megaphones just like in the movies. They looked more scared than us 2 tell u the truth. Cookie the fortune teller was hacking and yelling something about tear gas. But there wasnt any tear gas as far as I could tell. She smokes two packs of Lucky Strikes a day so it was probably the Luckys.

Be4 I new it Destiny Blande and her lawyer dude were busting thru the crowd. I was up on my tippy toes but all I could c was the back of everyones heads. Reminded me of when we snuck out 2 Teterboro Airport that night 2 pay homage to Bon Jovi when they returned from their European tour. Great idea. Poor execution. I did get my cell phone up high enough 2 get a photo of part of my forehead with Destinys hip and lawyer dudes butt in the background. Pretty cool. Id post it in a blog but I am trying to sell it 2 People magazine.

Regs cousin Bobbie has a friend Jimmy who is trying 2 get in2 the Sea View police force. All of a sudden Jimmy comes running up and says hes going 2 follow Destiny in his car. I begged him to take us but he said no way. Then Suze promised 2 flash her boobies if he took us with him and within seconds we were riding in his Firebird.

Reg bailed on us after the courthouse. Suze says the rumor is that Reg is dating some guy. Not sure y she wont talk 2 us about it. Hey whatevz. Guys who keep u from prime party hours r not worth the trouble.

Somehow we ended up not just behind Destinys Accord but also her lawyer dudes B-mer. Major score. I guess that cop training stuff is paying off 4 Jimmy. At first it was slow going but then the pace picked up in our little 3 car parade.

The cars we were following eventually rolled to a stop near a sign that said Mount Rose, NJ. Never heard of it. The place was jammed with people carrying signs and camped out in tents along the roadside. It was like Woodstock or something but without the rain and Hendrix is dead so he wasnt southpaw jamming 2 the National Anthem on his electric guitar. The two cars made U-turns 2 bolt out of there so we followed.

Destiny headed north on the Turnpike followed by the lawyer dude and us. Be4 I new it, we rolled 2 a stop in Little Italy in NYC. Destiny and creepy lawyer dude ducked in2 La Cucina Matera restaurant, so we followed. Now what? Jimmy didnt seem 2 have a plan in mind so we just sat down a few empty tables away from the couple of the century.

I couldnt believe how close we were 2 Destiny Blande. I stared at her the whole time. Is she really innocent? Theres no way. Everybody has 2 know shes guilty. OJ guilty. No room 4 doubt. What was the jury thinking?

What were the two of them doing here together? He definitely had the hots 4 her, but she was all business. They signed a whole stack of papers, then lawyer dude put some back in his briefcase and Destiny put some in her yellow purse.

Was she sizing him up 4 the kill? She killed up to 70 men, then she fooled her lawyer, then the jury. Shell want to kill again. Lawyer dude would b 2 easy for her. 2 chubby 2 wimpy 2 slow. A good old fashioned strangler girl would want more of a challenge. Destiny sat there looking bored silly.

Lawyer dude was totally turned on by Destiny though. He kept licking his lips like a man in the desert standing in front of an ice cream mirage. Beads of sweat grew along his eyebrows, despite how cool it was in the restaurant. Every time he removed his glasses and wiped his forehead, his funky hairdo flopped around. He looked like an overinflated sweaty Gordon Gecko.

Finally lawyer dude made his move and held Destinys hand. She shook her head and folded her arms like she was guarding an armored car. Total shut down mode. Sorry dude.

Without any warning, Suze stumbled over 2 the other table. We had no idea what she was doing but she later told us she was trying 2 have us take her picture with them. But she slipped and fell in2 their table knocking glasses and silverware on the floor and blowing our cover. Suze became twisted up in the table cloth coated in layers of antipasto meats and cheeses. She was lying there on the floor looking like idiot Stromboli.

Destiny and her lawyer dude took off and we never saw them again.

Suze ended up with a piece of what she swears was Destinys garlic bread with a bite taken out of it. She says she wants to get it bronzed or something.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

-----

This is post #43 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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Jersey Block Party

Blogsters and blogettes. Today it was mobbed outside the courthouse waiting 4 the jury’s decision in the Destiny Blande case. The usual BKs at the Bait and Bagel said a verdict might take days or weeks. But it was like all of New Jersey was there. It didnt matter how long it took anyway. It was all about being a part of history. Plus there was nothing else going on.

The front of the courthouse was already jammed by the time we got there. It was like the good old days be4 Ticket Master and Stub Hub went rogue on the concert industry. If u wanted 2 c Springsteen up close back in the day u hitch hiked 2 wherever tickets were going on sale and camped out. A little extra stash of Jersey-Grown bartering herb was all u needed 2 trade up 4 a better place in line. Hey Im just saying. But we got all the way up 2 the top of the courthouse stairs today.

Reg was hanging with us 4 the first time in weeks. Not sure what shes been up 2. Whatever it is, she needs 2 get her priorities straight. Anyway. She brought a backpack stuffed with Dorito family packs, the key to my heart. So whatevz. I scored the extra cheddar of course. Then Suze handed me a poster board sign on a stick that said “Every Girls Destiny.” We were ready and stoked.

The old Ocean Park legends were there in full force, hoping to make a few bucks. It would have been hard 2 miss Psycho Balloon Man, the Blind Caricaturist, and Cookie the Fortune Teller.

Psycho Balloon Man was mangier than ever. His helium tank was in high gear as he twisted balloons into Satin Strangler souvenirs. It was pretty gnarly stuff – nooses, black stockings, and something that must have been Destiny’s face but looked more like a Louies extra cheese with pepperoni. He was his usual ornery self.

Some freakazoid dressed in a huge baby diaper with satin stockings around his neck accidentally banged in2 Psycho with his “Destinys Child” sign. Using his not-so-catlike reflexes, Psycho shot him in the face with a jet of helium. The guy ran away screaming with his hands over his eyes.

Who would b the Psycho Balloon Mans next victim? The guy selling shirts that said “My parents went to the Satin Strangler trial and all I got was this lousy t-shirt?” No he was spared. Instead Psycho Balloon Man cursed out the parents of a four year old boy who asked 4 a giraffe balloon and told them 2 get their “animal on a leash.” Reg was Psychos only customer as always. She bought a stack of noose balloons to inhale and sing Bee Gees songs.

The Blind Caricaturist found a couple 2 pose 4 her. She turned them in2 alien monsters on the sketch pad 2 the sounds of Reg singing “More Than a Woman” in helium shrill.

A radio started blaring with the live broadcast of the trial. The jury already reached a verdict. So much 4 the week-long block party I guess. The crowd was riled. Most of them started chanting “Let her free” and a few answered “Make her fry.” Like everyone else, we all new she was guilty but we love rooting for underdogs, so we joined in with the “Let her free” group. The noise level rose until the announcement that the jury was back in the courtroom. Then u could hear a pin drop.

Every1 outside the courthouse held their breath. Reg tilted a bag of Doritos up in2 the air 2 pour cheddar dust in2 her mouth.

The lead juror read the verdict 2 the judge. “We the jury, find the defendant, Destiny Blande . . .”

Haha! Made u look. Youll have 2 wait. Hey I know u already know what happened anyway. Who doesnt? By the time u read this the Satin Strangler verdict will b old news.

Theres more 2 tell though. My story doesnt stop here. The next part is going 2 b one of those “change the names 2 protect the innocent” deals but first I need 2 catch some righteous Zs. Im toast.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

-----

This is post #36 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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The Trial Tweets

Me and Suze and pretty much everybody else are all following the Satin Strangler trial of the century. Theres no way to miss it actually. Its on TV. Its all over the internet. Every1 is blogging about it. And you can even follow it on Twitter. Destinys lawyer dude has been leading the tweet-o-rama. This stuff is like fresh Jersey-Grown laced with crack. A couple of quick hits and then u just cant put it down. Here are a few of his tweets 4 yure reading pleasure. Thats all I got 4 now. Later.


HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Morning of the trial. Eager to win our case. Faithful follower emails have been abundant. Keep writing more. (via @SeaViewStew) 3/15/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
1st day in court. Smiles and best profiles for the media. Strangler Network cameras rolling. Must be intimidating for the prosecutor Danton. (via @SeaViewStew) 3/15/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Prosecution seeking the death penalty for 2 counts of 1st degree homicide. Only 1 body. We submitted our not guilty plea. (via @SeaViewStew) 3/16/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Medical examiners described the Leighton autopsy findings in extensive detail while projecting photographs on a screen for shock/awe. (via @SeaViewStew) 3/23/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
You probably applauded my cross examination of the medical examiners. Shot Swiss cheese holes in their DNA evidence. (via @SeaViewStew) 3/25/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Prosecution expounded on the impact of the victims’ deaths on their families. Jurors sobbing. Nice touch by Danton, but no surprises. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/3/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
The prosecution started bringing in their so-called witnesses. Trying to place Destiny in the vicinity of both NJ murders. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/17/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Prosecution showed murder weapon photos. The infamous eBay stockings. Nothing like laughter in the courtroom. Momentum may swing. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/19/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Everyone has been watching the Strangler Network. I am recognized everywhere. The publicity frenzy far exceeds the Watson case. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/26/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
The media is agitated by my decision to not present character witnesses. I suppose they went to Yale Law??? Wait and see. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/28/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Media experts and my faithful followers want to see Destiny on the stand. Sorry to disappoint. She will speak only as a free woman after the trial. (via @SeaViewStew) 4/30/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
Prosecution just presented their summation. Compelling, but several holes. Weak DNA evidence and a missing body. Missing murder weapons. My turn next. (via @SeaViewStew) 5/1/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
I almost forgot how exhilarating a strong summation can be. I just changed the outcome of the trial. I will win against stacked odds. (via @SeaViewStew) 5/2/09

HoraceKrouchEsq @HoraceKrouchEsq:
The jury is deliberating. >95% say guilty in Gallup surveys. A win would be my greatest triumph. (via @SeaViewStew) 5/3/09

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This is post #34 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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Satin Strangler Personal Items for Sale

So me and Suze were surfing the net looking 4 some of our favorite smoking supplies, and we came across these ads 4 Satin Strangler garb. My eyeballs almost shot out of my skull and Suze nearly coughed up a lung when we saw them. Can u believe what people r selling on the bay of E these days? Check it out. Thats all I got 4 now. Later.


Black Stockings Worn by Satin Strangler Destiny Blande

Item Condition: Used
Time left: 2d 04h (3/8/09, 4PM PDT)
Quantity: 1 pair
Price: UA $46,750
Buy It Now
Watch this Item
Shipping: $5.99 Standard Flat Rate Shipping Service
Returns: No returns
Description: Black satin stockings confiscated during the arrest of Destiny Blande, suspected Satin Strangler, in the Oceanview Motel in Sea View, NJ. Could these be a murder weapon? You decide.


Black Stockings Worn by Satin Strangler Destiny Blande

Item Condition: Used
Time left: 5d 03h (3/11/09, 3PM PDT)
Quantity: 1 pair
Price: UA $46,750
Buy It Now
Watch this Item
Shipping: $5.99 Standard Flat Rate Shipping Service
Returns: No returns
Description: Black satin stockings found in the car owned by Destiny Blande on the night of her arrest. A rare find. They’ll take your breath away.


Red Stockings Worn by Satin Strangler Destiny Blande

Item Condition: Used
Time left: 6d 06h (3/12/09, 6PM PDT)
Quantity: 1 pair
Price: UA $46,750
Buy It Now
Watch this Item
Shipping: $5.99 Standard Flat Rate Shipping Service
Returns: No returns
Description: One-of-a-kind red satin stockings worn by the Satin Strangler herself, Destiny Blande. Thigh-high red stockings come complete with red satin and white lace garter belt. For the man who wants a souvenir of the media’s favorite girl, or for the woman on the go. Either way, you can make a killing at this price.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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This is post #32 in The Satin Strangler Blogs (TSSB).

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