The Straight Dope

Blogsters and Blogettes.

Can u believe this? Some dude paid me major bucks to list some of my blog posts on some list called The Satin Strangler Blogs. All I have 2 do basically is say go 2 the website and write some cool stuff in the comments spaces. So heres the site. Its called The Satin Strangler Blogs. Tell them I sent u.

Now me and Suze have 2 puff some fresh Jersey-Grown and then go 2 eat piles of turkey and cranberry sandwiches down at the Bait and Bagel. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

Something Serious

Blogsters and Blogettes.

You no how much I like 2 kick back and enjoy good tunes and do not 2 much of anything serious. Theres even stuff on this website that may not b 100% true. But heres something that is the real deal. Governor Christie and his wife Mary Pat started a website 2 raise money 4 vistims of Hurricane Sandy. Check out the site and give some money 2 the people in New Jersey who were devastated by this storm. Thanks.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

Im OK

Every1 keeps emailing 2 see how Im doing. Thanks 4 your thoughts. Me and Suze and Reg r OK, but there was lots of damage along the shore towns like Atlantic City and Seaside Heights and Bay Head and Hoboken. But our home state is tough as nails, and were going 2 bring it back 2 where it once was. Dont give up on us.

The Boss Turns 63

Happy birthday Bruce. Last night Springsteen played the Meadowlands. The show was delayed due 2 rain, so the band played well beyond midnight 2 bring in the birthday celebration. Even Bruces mom joined in on stage. The BossMom was rocking. Way cool..

Reporter Scores a Major Buzz

OK check this video out. Me and Suze busted a butt watching this one - oops I meant 2 write a gut but I think Suze might of busted a butt 2. No intro needed. I hope u like it as much as we do. Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

Rock God Hits Big 5-0

Happy birthday 2 New Jersey Rock God Jon Bon Jovi. 50 and still rocking. Awesome.

Best NJ Shore Ferris Wheel

Okay, so me and Suze were going at it again over the best Ferris wheels in NJ last night. We both agreed that the Star of Neptune in Sea View wins hands down, and we also agreed that Great Adventure shouldnt count since its not at the shore, but what about number 2 and 3 and 4 and all that? Well its yure turn 2 vote. Comment below. Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

Happy Birthday Bruce Springsteen

Today is The Bosss 62nd birthday. Happy birthday from all of Sea View Bruce!

Richie Wins Watermelon Eating Contest

Yesterday was the big 4th of July celebration down at Ocean Park Amusement Pier. Me and Suze and her brother Richie hung out at the pier pretty much all day, except 4 when we snuck down under the boardwalk 4 some puffs of fresh Jersey-Grown. Me and Suze kept it pretty lite on the Jersey-Grown, but Richie went 2 town on it. Rite when we were running low on Doritos and those cheezy curly things Suze always loads up on, they started the annual watermelon eating contest. Me and Suze wanted 2 have nothing 2 do with it, but Richie was munchie craving big time and signed up. Richie went against some humongo guy from Hoboken who ate a plate of cheezy fries and a funnel cake while waiting 4 the contest 2 start, a few college looking crew cut drunken boys, and Psycho Balloon Man who shows up every year 4 the free watermelon. It looked like Richie was doomed, but somehow he pulled off a watermelon miracle on the boardwalk. It looked something like this dude in the video. Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

Tribute to Clarence Clemons

Me and Suze never made it 2 the Stone Pony yesterday. We made it as far as Seaside Heights after two hitches but that was it. We hung out in one of the arcades til we ran out of quarters then hitched back home. Didnt get back til about 2AM. Every1 was talking about Clarence, tho, so it felt like we paid homage to the Big Man in our own way. If u r looking for some Clarence footage to help your morning process, heres a good clip of Born to Run. Rock on Big Man!

Rest in Peace Big Man!

Clarence Clemons died yesterday. The E Street Band, New Jersey, and the world is in morning. Me and Suze are going 2 try 2 hitch a ride to Asbury Park to join the vigil at the Stone Pony later today. We love u Big Man. Well miss u. Keep rocking with Jimi and Jim and Curt and Janice and your buddy Danny and the other Rock Gods up there.

Happy Birthday Jon Bon Jovi Rock God!

Happy 49th Jon. Rock on.

Best Rock Scream

Me and Suze were buzzing 2 The Doors The Doors last night. I hadnt listened 2 The End in a long time, and it got 2 that part where Jim Morrison is killing his father and making the beast with 2 backs with his mom (major BK) and then he unleashes that awesome scream. Me and Suze screamed at the same time and then started laughing our butts off. We kept replaying it and screaming 4 about an hour. Of course then we got 2 talking about rock screams and trying to figure out which was the best 1 ever. Its hard 2 top Jimmy M (rest in piece Rock Legend), but we decided Janis Joplin Piece of My Heart has a better scream. I can picture Jimmy and Janis up there in Rock heaven screaming at each other while John Denver sticks his fingers in his ears. But somehow we agreed for the first time ever on a music question and decided The Who Wont Get Fooled Again was the best. Which scream do you think is best? Say something in the comments below. Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

Happy Birthday Bruuuuuuuuuuuuce!

Happy birthday to Bruce Springsteen. The Boss turns 61 today. And hes still rocking the lights out. Enjoy the New Jersey holiday every1.

Sea View Launches New BK Campaign

Heres the latest BK video from the local no-Jersey-Grown committee here in Sea View. Me and Suze like it because Smokey McBongwater was in our 9th grade class. Looks like he made it to the bigtime. Just BSing. This ones an oldie but goodie.



Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

Riding the Star of Neptune

Blogsters and blogettes. Last night was unreal. U probably watched it on TV. Some of you might have even been there. Suze and me went 2 the reopening of Ocean Park Amusement Pier. It was like the story Brigantine where that town keeps coming back every 100 years. Sea Views been dead 4ever but came back 2 life last night.

We were all lined up along the new boardwalk waiting and wondering y nothing was happening. The lights from the news crews were shining back on us but the park up ahead was still pitch black.

A spotlight came from nowhere and lit up Mayor Mayfield in a sky ride car. As the spotlight widened we could c that he was next 2 a woman in a tie-dye dress. It was Reg. They were arm in arm and waving down 2 the crowd.

I never saw Reg in a dress. And boy was she pregnant. About 8 months.

May Mays voice boomed thru a loudspeaker down on2 the eager crowd. It sounded like God. He welcomed everyone watching live across America 2 the town of Sea View and then announced the re-opening of Ocean Park.

“But be4 we open the park,” he said, “theres just one more thing I have 2 do.”

He got down on one knee and asked Reg 2 marry him. She said yes and they kissed 2 thunderous applause.

A sudden zinging sound came from the thick black wires winding around the park. The crowd moved back, but then we all got up on our toes 2 c over each other. The ginormous “Welcome 2 Ocean Park Amusement Pier” sign on the front gate burst into light.

Then, one by one, each of the rides lit up and began 2 move.

The Breath Taker roller coaster.

Destinys Dream merry-go-round.

The Black Widow tilt-o-whirl.

The Praying Mantis rock climbing wall.

The bumper cars, the pirate ship, the train ride, the toboggan, and all the others came on next. Then the lights burst on at all of the concession stands and game booths.

The crowd chanted “May May, May May, May May.”

The spot light swung thru the sky and landed on the dark frame of the Star of Neptune. A trumpet blast came from somewhere. Then the Ferris wheel lit up with color.

Ocean Park was completely alive.

Reg announced that two lucky visitors had been selected 2 b the first 2 ride the all-new Star of Neptune. A man in a black top hat and tuxedo walked up 2 me and Suze and handed us each a monster cotton candy. Then he bowed and stuck his elbows out wide.

We locked arms as tux guy guided us in2 the park like an usher at a wedding. Every1 else waited outside.

Reg smiled at us. Me and Suze lifted our cotton candy in her direction as a thank you. Then the sky ride started and Reg and May May zoomed out in2 the darkness.

Tux guy led us thru the partially open gates and up 2 the Ferris wheel, opened the door 2 the ride, and bowed again. The Ferris wheel gave a little whine and then lifted us off the boardwalk just as the Springsteen song Jersey Girl crackled thru the loudspeakers.

As soon as we were off the ground, the gates below swung open and everyone ran 2 their favorite rides.

Riding the Star of Neptune was unreal. From the top of the ride u could c for miles across all of the Sea View wannabe towns lining the shore.

We sat there at the center of the universe, on the top of the world, and lit up some fresh Jersey-Grown.

Now Im not religious or anything, and maybe it was a little of the Jersey-Grown talking, but I have a feeling that if theres a heaven, it looks a lot like Ocean Park did rite at that moment 2 anyone like me who grew up in Sea View.

It was hard 2 imagine anything better.

That’s all I got 4 now. Later.

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Best Jersey-Grown Flicks

Blogsters and blogettes. Enjoy smoking some fresh Jersey-Grown before a movie? If so then u have probably spent hours and hours trying to decide on the all time greatest buzz flicks. Me and Reg and Suze have probably spent more time discussing this than any other movie critics. Our top ten list is many years in the making. Me and Suze watched Pineapple Express for 30 daze straight so number one is a gimme. Here's the rest of the list: 1. Pineapple Express 2. Cheech & Chong’s Up in Smoke 3. Fast Times at Ridgemont High 4. Dazed & Confused 5. Half Baked 6. How High? 7. Harold & Kumar Go 2 White Castle 8. Super High Me 9. Puff, Puff, Pass 10. Knocked Up Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

E Street Lego Band

Me and Suze found this video on line last night. Somebody with more free time on their hands made this Springsteen and the East Street Band video with Legos. We were way into our fresh Jersey-Grown buzz when we spotted it so we hit replay more than 100 times. After a while it started to look like them especially Max. Check it out and see what I mean.

Happy B-Day to JBJ Rock God

Today is the 48th birthday of Jon Bon Jovi. Rock on rock god.

May Mays Secret

Blogsters and blogettes. U r definitely going to call BS when I tell you this. I nearly fell over when I heard it and I was only a couple of puffs in2 my day.

U know that story about our Mayor Mayfield thats been on the news all day? The one about him having an affair with a young woman at that apartment across from the marina? Well thats not just any woman. Thats our friend Reg. Yes, the ex-alias Fiesta Gal.

May May is the married guy Regs been hiding out with. No wonder she didnt tell anyone. Shes been sleeping with Sea View Royalty, and married royalty at that.

May May looks like hes 80 or something. No they said hes 58 on the news. But thats about 4 times as old as Reg whose 22. Hes been married to Samantha 4 almost 40 years. Was married that is. His wife split last week be4 the news broke.

May Mays spokesperson said the marriage is over and Reg is pregnant and the mayor plans 2 marry her. Wo.

The Mayfields oldest grandson was a Freshman when Reg graduated from Sea View High. At least thats what the reporters r saying. So Reg will b about the same age as her grandkids. Yikes.

Me and Suze were totally blown away by the news. We havent been able 2 find Reg since it broke. We think shes with May May hiding from the press somewhere.

We were flipping thru the channels looking 4 the interviews we did 4 the news today. Suze wore a bikini top that highlighted her silicone assets 4 the CNN interview. Were hoping the reality show scouts c that one. But instead of Suze, CNN was showing that Sufjan Stevens video 4 the serial killer song “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.”

“And in my best behavior
I am really just like him.
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid.”
 

Sounds like someones offering Stevens a bundle to remake the song with Satin Strangler lyrics 4 a DestinyIsInnocent fundraiser.

Hmmm. I dont know whats more creepy – a song about a serial killer or marrying a guy with grandkids your age.

In honor of our best friend and her upcoming nuptials and childbirth, Suze and me smoked our dose of medicinal herb and made a list of the creepiest songs ever. We disqualified Ozzy Osbourne, Rob Zombie, and Alice Cooper or else we wouldve been at it all day. Im guessing that “Living Dead Girl” would have been the winner out of those three. We eventually disqualified Metallica and Twisted Sister 4 the same reason, or else “Enter Sandman” and “Captain Howdy” might have had a chance.

We didnt disqualify Pink Floyd only cuz theyre the greatest non-Jersey band ever, but our votes were split between “One of My Turns” and “Brain Damage.” We also couldnt agree on a Warren Zevon song, since I liked “Werewolves of London” but Suze wanted “Excitable Boy,” more 4 its grave digging than 4 its biting and raping and killing.

In the end we decided that a fa-la-la sing-along tune with creepy lyrics would have 2 take the prize. With that in mind, we considered songs like “Jessies Girl” by Rick Springfield, “867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone, “Every Breath U Take” by The Police, and “Sunglasses at Night” by Corey Hart.

Those r all pretty creepy, but the three winners that we dedicate to May May and Reg r:

“Dont Stand so Close to Me” by The Police

“Youre Having my Baby” by Paul Anka

“Youre 16” by Ringo Starr

Hey just kidding Reg. Come home soon. We miss you.

Thats all I got 4 now. Later.

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